Hoy Hoy Hoy, it’s reasonably-sized Albert! I’m not nearly as much fun as my fat counter-part, but unlike him I will live to see my kids graduate high school! It’s a win-lose kinda thing!

The only time I ever played lawn darts is over at my friend’s house once or twice, probably more than two years ago now. And guess what? It’s fun as HELL. I guess that he had a set that had somehow never been handed over to the proper authorities to be sacrificially burnt in the town square.

I think that the banning of lawn darts is right up there with the old lady who burnt herself with hot coffee and sued McDonalds as one of the lowest points in America’s culture of victimhood. It’s one of those things that will always be a sore point for me. Even years later when everybody else has moved on and forgotten, I’ll still be cringing every time I see a warning label on a cup of coffee, glaring up at me. An indelible blemish on the record of advancement of the human race.

Because that’s what those things are. A visual acknowledgement of our own stupidity. We’ve learned to live with it for now, but think about future civilizations. The archaeologists of the future who’ll unearth our garbage and one day stumble across a notification of the banishment of lawn darts. One will turn to the other and say, “Well, couldn’t they just NOT THROW THEM AT EACH OTHER?!” And neither one of them will have an answer.

That’s the shit that people remember.

For example, what comes up in conversation more often, the fact that Roman’s invented concrete or the fact that they had vomitoriums? Because I’m pretty sure it’s the vomitoriums. That’s what sticks in your mind. We’re historically screwed.

Oh, and since there is NO conceivable way that I can ever legally own a set of lawn darts in the United States, here’s a list of things that I could possibly legally own instead:

1. A Semi-Automatic Machine Gun (after a pesky waiting period)
2. Set of Professional Lock-Picking Tools (sure, I’m a locksmith, why not?)
3. An Albino Siberian Tiger (wild animal handler’s permit + GIGANTIC balls)
4. Enough Cheap Whiskey to satisfy Mickey Rourke (5 min drive to 7-11)
5. Steel spikes, plastic rings and a lawn (so long as I don’t throw one into the other, while standing on the other)

God Bless America! See you on Friday!

- Zac